Fear & Embarrassment
Today I recognised and work through my own Fear & Embarrassment.
"What does she fear and feel embarrassed about?” I hear you say,
I made a decision to take a masters’ qualification earlier this year, put everything in place to start the course in September, this included saving to pay for the course (limiting what I could spend on life in general), taking time out of life to complete the application process and even taking a Dyslexia Assessment in order to show I needed support as well as helping myself learn about my own needs (this I am grateful for).
So, when I was accepted on the course, I was elated, excited, ecstatic, and wanted to share my news with everyone, and I did, letting them know what I would be doing for the future, where my plans were heading, and what I perceived to be my future.
Now I find myself a couple of weeks before the course starting to reappraise my life and my future direction and both my short-term and long-term goals.
Why? – (I hear you ask…)
Since being accepted for the masters, my life has changed we as a family have gone through some rough times, making me realise that life is short and I want to make the most of my relationships (family, friends, colleagues, and peers), creating enjoyable times as well as wonderful memories that will last. Even giving myself time to travel something I have promised myself that I would do years ago.
I realised I would not have the time to do the above as it dawned on me the workload and studying for the masters will in fact take up half my week for two years, (that on top of running my own business and seeing clients), keeping me hidden away due to the amount of reading that is required. I'm aware of my dyslexia, I'm aware of my limitations this also played a part in my decision I saw the amount of reading I had to do some weeks five additional papers, and on one week eleven additional papers, know I have the intelligence but my reading and retention skills will mean I am putting so much pressure and strain on myself, I just thought to myself why am I putting myself through this at the moment, is this so important, is it life-enhancing at the moment, the answer came back ‘NO”.
Fear & Embarrassment – what do they mean to me:
Fear of being perceived as a failure and loss of image… going back on my own plans…who’s fear is this ‘mine of course’
Embarrassment ... feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness
I need to trust my gut feelings and be brave enough to be open and honest to others as well as myself, that I will not be taking the masters’ this year and in fact, may never take a masters', other courses will come up that will not take all my time, not doing the masters will mean I do not have to sacrifice being with friends and family.
My first step is to talk with the course leader and establishment, withdrawing my application, then letting my family and friends know of my decision, some will understand, some may not, this is my ‘Fear’. I recall what I say to clients if they are anxious about what others think about their decisions ‘if they don’t like or accept it, this is their issue, not yours and this is also true for me. I need to trust my gut and do what is right for me and not doing the course that is right for me.
As Susan Jeffers states “All you have to do to diminish your fear is to develop more trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way”. taken from her book ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’. I am taking control of my fear & embarrassment and handling this situation as it raises.
And of course sharing this with you, the reader.